Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
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Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
#SCOTUS one-star review
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*