“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
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Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
fr
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.