It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*