Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.