“I wouldn’t.”
You Might Also Like
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
This a good idea
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
#polloftheday