*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Just as the prophecy foretold
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”