When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this