Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles