The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
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No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen