-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.