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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Just so funny
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?