Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
doing some research
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.