are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If a snake ate a cake
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning