Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
This line from Airplane.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I’m going to need a moment here.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Tough love is true love
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking