God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
brian had himself a morning…
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.