Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
You Might Also Like
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people