A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs