Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Doctor: Do you smoke?
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE