My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
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How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?