can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”