PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
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[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
*orders delivery*
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely