The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi