Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
You Might Also Like
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hell yeah 👍
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?