I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.