I laughed at this way too hard.
You Might Also Like
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
dogs can find happiness so easily
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*