Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.