wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
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air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom