Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like