If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
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*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake