pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
You Might Also Like
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.