Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
same energy
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho