Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
You Might Also Like
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I can’t wait!
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.