You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Monday Lisa
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.