Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Sticker placement is key.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me :
All Day At Night