Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope