If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one