HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
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I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
They’re really bad with fonts.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Get in loser we’re going crying
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.