In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
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Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I did not eat the cake…
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”