GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
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A drum solo but on your face.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?