DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I feel it
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
This guy gets it.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.