Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Just parrot things
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.