I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
They must have gotten it to go.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess