I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
You Might Also Like
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!