I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Who.
Did.
This?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.