Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!