Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
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Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.