When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away