who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”