Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum