The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
You Might Also Like
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.